Learning to Be Happy: What Is the Secret to Happiness?

What is the secret to happiness? Some say it’s meditation.


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Happiness—we all seek it and want to know the secret of it. Happiness research has become something of a cottage industry in recent years. Self-help books line the shelves of bookstores and libraries. Motivational speakers mentor—and make—millions on the how-tos of finding it.

Many of us fall into the trap of seeking happiness through material possessions or external circumstances—many of which are beyond our control. It’s as if there’s a tape loop inside our heads constantly replaying the words “if only.” If only I had “blank,” I’d be happy. Happiness becomes an elusive thing, just beyond the humdrum of the daily grind.

Happiness—we all seek it and want to know the secret of it. Happiness research has become something of a cottage industry in recent years. Self-help books line the shelves of bookstores and libraries. Motivational speakers mentor—and make—millions on the how-tos of finding it.

Vicki Mazik credits meditation with helping her cope with her cancer diagnosis. Photo courtesy of Vicki MazikMany of us fall into the trap of seeking happiness through material possessions or external circumstances—many of which are beyond our control. It’s as if there’s a tape loop inside our heads constantly replaying the words “if only.” If only I had “blank,” I’d be happy. Happiness becomes an elusive thing, just beyond the humdrum of the daily grind.

Experts have long pondered the secrets to happiness, discovering that the path to that coveted state does not center on material possessions. Indeed, research has shown that once basic human needs are met, wealthy people are really no happier than their less affluent peers. What’s more, the happiest people in the world reside in Panama—the world’s poorest country—while the least happy live in Singapore, its richest.

So what is the secret to happiness? No one knows for sure but a team of neuroscientists led by Dr. Richard J. Davidson at the University of Wisconsin, Madison, appear to be on to something. It seems that a phenomenon known as neuroplasticity—the brain’s ability to reorganize itself in response to changes in the environment—may play a role in our ability to be happy.

Using MRI technology, the researchers were able to view the left-sided anterior region of the brain—the area associated with positive mental states. They documented increased activity in this region of novice meditators who participated in an eight-week mindfulness meditation course.
In addition, the researchers also found that meditation stimulated the limbic system, the area of the brain that regulates emotions. Expert meditators with more than 10,000 hours of practice showed the greatest amount of activity in this area and appeared to have permanently altered their brains to generate positive thoughts—even when they weren’t meditating.

This means we can choose—and learn—to be happy. Indeed, from a Buddhist perspective, meditation is a way of eliminating suffering from our lives. If we meditate, we will experience less suffering and therefore more happiness. But the goal of Buddhist practice isn’t really happiness as we imagine it, but rather something more like peace or self-fulfillment.

“Happiness is fleeting, so it’s much more about fulfillment than happiness,” says Alison Smith Driscoll, certified meditation instructor at Empowered Yoga in Wilmington. “A problem arises when we say that happiness is the goal because it’s a set-up for failure.”

Indeed, meditation teachers say you shouldn’t be seeking a pleasurable state or any other state for that matter. Rather, you should observe things—your breath, your emotions, sensations, sounds—without making value judgments. So while anxiety normally feels bad, if you encounter it while meditating, you’re supposed to examine it in as detached a way as possible, doing your best to see it as neither good nor bad, just “what is.” This cool detachment allows us to see our emotions more clearly, leading them to loosen their grip on us.

“Suffering is optional,” says psychologist Doris G. Lauckner, Ph.D., a meditation instructor at the Insight Meditation Community in Lewes and chair of the community counseling program at Wilmington University. “Buddhism talks about the two arrows. The first arrow is whatever pain you have, but the second arrow is the thoughts and actions around it that creates the second level of suffering that is avoidable.”

The aim is simple: to pay attention—to be “mindful” or “in the moment.” But our experience rarely has this quality. A lot of the time we find ourselves engulfed in emotions way past their expiration date: self-pity, anger, wish fulfillment, fear. Pointless thoughts about what could have been or what could be—“only if”—do nothing to enrich the present. Meditation teaches that the only place we can experience the flow of life—and creative thought—is in the now. Not surrendering creates psychological and physical tension, which inhibits that flow. And the more we try to suppress an unpleasant thought, the more it recurs.

Andrea Winward Kennedy, instructor/owner of The Yoga Studio in Lewes, leads a class. Photo by Ron Dubick“If I try to hold it in, I’m distracted because it’s on my mind,” says Andrea Winward Kennedy, instructor/owner of The Yoga Studio in Lewes.

It can be a real shock to discover how much runaway thinking we actually engage in and how that causes suffering. “As you start to practice meditation, you’re going to notice the quality of your thoughts, and you’re likely to come to the conclusion that you might be a little insane because you’re going to find that the thoughts are very repetitive,” says Nick Edge, teacher and member of the Insight Meditation Community in Lewes. “They’re almost always based on fear or desire: either chasing after or pushing something away.”

It is very hard to develop the concentration necessary to calm the inner maelstrom, but therein lies the route to self-awareness and contentment. “When you’re left without words and your mind does shut down, when the gap between thoughts gets bigger and bigger and you’re in the gap, what you’re left with, that’s your pure essence—not the ego,” says Edge.

Indeed, meditation is the process of cultivating compassion for ourselves and others, offering the realization that we are all naturally perfect and whole. “There is no concept for self-loathing in Tibet,” says Smith Driscoll.

Mindfulness, then, is not about ecstatic states. It’s comparatively humdrum. Moreover, it’s not a fast track to blissful happiness. In fact, it can be rather unsettling as it works with painful experiences. But going with what is can also be liberating.

Andrea Winward Kennedy goes with the flow. Photo by Ron Dubick “I allow myself to feel how I feel because I know I’m not going to get stuck there,” says Winward Kennedy. “I’m not afraid to cry. I know that I cry, then it passes. Some people are afraid to feel because they’re afraid they’re going to get stuck there. I think I witness myself going with the flow.”

Vicki Mazik, owner/instructor at Zen Yoga Room in Newark, credits the grounding effects of meditation with helping her cope with the cancer diagnosis she received last year. “I’m now cancer-free, but whatever the outcome was I was OK with it,” she says. “You can live in a crisis situation as long as you’re present and negative thoughts aren’t entering your mind. I was present every day. I appreciated little things around me: my dog, my fiancé and the sunshine.”

Western psychology has finally discovered what Buddhist monks knew centuries ago: that the most powerful way to happiness is developing compassion for oneself and for others. Contemporary positive psychology states that people are generally happy and that money doesn’t necessarily buy well-being. Moreover, while happiness is influenced by genetics, people can learn to be happy by developing optimism, gratitude and altruism.

“That’s what meditation practice is about—cultivating those kinds of states of mind,” says Lauckner.

Is there something larger, deeper and more lasting than mere happiness? Those who practice meditation say there is and believe they’ve found it.

“’Happy is not a word I’d use to describe myself, but I am content,” says Carlyle Hoof, 62, who works in mental health services for the state of Delaware. “Things don’t bother me the way they used to. I would get a lot more attached to an issue. Now I just go with the flow.”

Joe DiGiovanni got involved with meditation last year after taking some yoga classes to correct a back problem. He says it’s helped lower his blood pressure and has allowed him to cope better with stress. It has also given him a different perspective on the “grass is greener” syndrome so many of us fall prey to.

“You come to realize you don’t need the big car or the big house,” says the 45-year-old sales and marketing professional from Trolley Square. “Those things are nice but they don’t last. The economy can go down, people can get sick. I’m much more appreciative of the smaller things in my life—when I’m spending time with my daughter, or I’m surfing or with my family.”

Margaret Badger welcomes the opportunity to just quiet her mind for a while. “I work 70 ro 80 hours a week,” says the 40-something musician who teaches piano and voice at the Cab Calloway School of the Arts in Wilmington. “So I always have something I’m thinking about, or preparing or planning for or writing down. Doing something where I can just turn off my brain is kind of exciting.”

Lauckner views meditation as a complement to her work as a psychologist. “I’ve heard people say that therapy takes you to normal neurotic, and meditation takes you to happy,” she says. “By meditating on a day-to-day basis, I’m less reactive. I don’t jump emotionally. I take my time to think things through and make better choices. I feel like I have tools to cope that I didn’t have before.” 


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February 2018

A winter warm up of colorful, vibrant paintings. Marlene Dubin - bold mixed media abstracts; Elaine Lisle - regional landscapes in oil; Mary Ann Weselyk – whimsical animals and still life...

Cost: free

Where:
The Station Gallery
3922 Kennett Pike
Greenville, DE  19807
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Telephone: 302-654-8638
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This community-curated exhibition brings together three painters—Alan Soffer, Brian Dickerson, and Moe Brooker—who are attuned to harmonies and contrasts in abstract forms. Each artist...

Cost: Free with Museum admission

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Delaware Art Museum
2301 Kentmere Parkway
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The Philly Home + Garden Show will return to the Greater Philadelphia Expo Center at Oaks February 16-18. The show will feature highly-interactive exhibits including a full scale model smart home,...

Cost: 10

Where:
Greater Philadelphia Expo Center
100 Station Ave
Oaks, PA  19456
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Sponsor: MarketPlace Events
Contact Name:

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By Simon Stephens (playwright of "The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Night-Time") Directed by Matt Pfeiffer REGIONAL PREMIERE! Amidst the bustle of a crowded London train...

Cost: Varies

Where:
Delaware Theatre Company
200 Water Street
Wilmington, DE  19801
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The Rehoboth Beach Film Society in partnership with The Southern Delaware Alliance for Racial Justice are proud to present the inaugural Rehoboth Beach African-American Film Festival. The mission...

Cost: $10

Where:
Cinema Art Theater
17701 Dartmouth Drive, #2
Lewes, DE
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Sponsor: Rehoboth Beach Film Society
Telephone: 302-645-9095
Contact Name: Jeri Kaplan
Website »

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"Choir Boy" presents a complex look at race and sexuality. Shows are at 8pm on February 16 and 17; there is a 2pm matinee on Sunday February 18. Buy tickets online at www.WilmingtonDramaLeague.org.

Cost: $10-$15

Where:
Wilmington Drama League
10 West Lea Blvd.
Wilmington, DE  19802
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Sponsor: Wilmington Drama League
Telephone: 302-764-1172
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"What the water said…Flowers, Places, & Faces," an exhibition of watercolor paintings by Hugh Phibbs, will be on view in the Mezzanine Gallery from February 2-23, 2018. A free...

Cost: Free

Where:
Mezzanine Gallery
Carvel State Office Building, 2nd Floor
820 N. French St.
Wilmington, DE  19801
View map »


Sponsor: Delaware Division of the Arts
Telephone: 302-577-8278
Contact Name: Roxanne Stanulis
Website »

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A winter warm up of colorful, vibrant paintings. Marlene Dubin - bold mixed media abstracts; Elaine Lisle - regional landscapes in oil; Mary Ann Weselyk – whimsical animals and still life...

Cost: free

Where:
The Station Gallery
3922 Kennett Pike
Greenville, DE  19807
View map »


Telephone: 302-654-8638
Website »

More information

By Simon Stephens (playwright of "The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Night-Time") Directed by Matt Pfeiffer REGIONAL PREMIERE! Amidst the bustle of a crowded London train...

Cost: Varies

Where:
Delaware Theatre Company
200 Water Street
Wilmington, DE  19801
View map »

More information

Tickets are $15 adults; $10 UD faculty/staff/alumni & seniors; $5 students. Tickets are available at the door. Cash or check only.

Cost: $15 adults; $10 UD faculty/staff/alumni & seniors; $5 students

Where:
Gore Recital Hall
110 Orchard Rd
Newark, DE  19716
View map »


Sponsor: University of Delaware Department of Music
Telephone: 130-283-12578
Contact Name: Megan Everhart
Website »

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"What the water said…Flowers, Places, & Faces," an exhibition of watercolor paintings by Hugh Phibbs, will be on view in the Mezzanine Gallery from February 2-23, 2018. A free...

Cost: Free

Where:
Mezzanine Gallery
Carvel State Office Building, 2nd Floor
820 N. French St.
Wilmington, DE  19801
View map »


Sponsor: Delaware Division of the Arts
Telephone: 302-577-8278
Contact Name: Roxanne Stanulis
Website »

More information

A winter warm up of colorful, vibrant paintings. Marlene Dubin - bold mixed media abstracts; Elaine Lisle - regional landscapes in oil; Mary Ann Weselyk – whimsical animals and still life...

Cost: free

Where:
The Station Gallery
3922 Kennett Pike
Greenville, DE  19807
View map »


Telephone: 302-654-8638
Website »

More information

Nanticoke Memorial Hospital will host a four-session diabetes educational program, The Diabetes Connection, on February 6, 13, 20 and 27 from 9:30 am to 11:30 am. Pre-registration is required. As...

Cost: Call for cost.

Where:
Nanticoke Memorial Hospital
801 Middleford Road
Seaford, DE  19973
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Telephone: 302-629-6611 x2288
Contact Name: Nanticoke's Diabetes Education Department
Website »

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By Simon Stephens (playwright of "The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Night-Time") Directed by Matt Pfeiffer REGIONAL PREMIERE! Amidst the bustle of a crowded London train...

Cost: Varies

Where:
Delaware Theatre Company
200 Water Street
Wilmington, DE  19801
View map »

More information

Show More...
Show Less...

"What the water said…Flowers, Places, & Faces," an exhibition of watercolor paintings by Hugh Phibbs, will be on view in the Mezzanine Gallery from February 2-23, 2018. A free...

Cost: Free

Where:
Mezzanine Gallery
Carvel State Office Building, 2nd Floor
820 N. French St.
Wilmington, DE  19801
View map »


Sponsor: Delaware Division of the Arts
Telephone: 302-577-8278
Contact Name: Roxanne Stanulis
Website »

More information

A winter warm up of colorful, vibrant paintings. Marlene Dubin - bold mixed media abstracts; Elaine Lisle - regional landscapes in oil; Mary Ann Weselyk – whimsical animals and still life...

Cost: free

Where:
The Station Gallery
3922 Kennett Pike
Greenville, DE  19807
View map »


Telephone: 302-654-8638
Website »

More information

This community-curated exhibition brings together three painters—Alan Soffer, Brian Dickerson, and Moe Brooker—who are attuned to harmonies and contrasts in abstract forms. Each artist...

Cost: Free with Museum admission

Where:
Delaware Art Museum
2301 Kentmere Parkway
Wilmington, DE  19806
View map »


Website »

More information

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Cost: FREE

Where:
Faith Victory Christian Center
301 Commonwealth Avenue
Claymont, DE  19703
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Sponsor: Faith Victory Christian Center
Telephone: 302.354.6726
Contact Name: Alvin Walker
Website »

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By Simon Stephens (playwright of "The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Night-Time") Directed by Matt Pfeiffer REGIONAL PREMIERE! Amidst the bustle of a crowded London train...

Cost: Varies

Where:
Delaware Theatre Company
200 Water Street
Wilmington, DE  19801
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Join DCH, New Castle Conservation District staff, and Delaware Cooperative Extension to grow and learn together through an entire season! Classes are designed for a beginner, but seasoned gardeners...

Cost: $20 members; $30 non-members

Where:
Delaware Center for Horticulture
1810 N. Dupont Street
Wilmington, DE  19806
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Sponsor: Delaware Center for Horticulture
Telephone: (302) 658-6262
Contact Name: Ruth Arias
Website »

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Clearing the mind and learning to think not thinking is Zen awareness. Taking the appropriate action in this moment is Zen. Once you know this in your body, walking, standing, sitting down,...

Cost: Free

Where:
Unitarian Universalist Fellowship of Newark
420 Willa Road
Newark, DE  19711
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Sponsor: UUFN
Telephone: 302.368.2984
Contact Name: Richard Field
Website »

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"What the water said…Flowers, Places, & Faces," an exhibition of watercolor paintings by Hugh Phibbs, will be on view in the Mezzanine Gallery from February 2-23, 2018. A free...

Cost: Free

Where:
Mezzanine Gallery
Carvel State Office Building, 2nd Floor
820 N. French St.
Wilmington, DE  19801
View map »


Sponsor: Delaware Division of the Arts
Telephone: 302-577-8278
Contact Name: Roxanne Stanulis
Website »

More information

A winter warm up of colorful, vibrant paintings. Marlene Dubin - bold mixed media abstracts; Elaine Lisle - regional landscapes in oil; Mary Ann Weselyk – whimsical animals and still life...

Cost: free

Where:
The Station Gallery
3922 Kennett Pike
Greenville, DE  19807
View map »


Telephone: 302-654-8638
Website »

More information

This community-curated exhibition brings together three painters—Alan Soffer, Brian Dickerson, and Moe Brooker—who are attuned to harmonies and contrasts in abstract forms. Each artist...

Cost: Free with Museum admission

Where:
Delaware Art Museum
2301 Kentmere Parkway
Wilmington, DE  19806
View map »


Website »

More information

By Simon Stephens (playwright of "The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Night-Time") Directed by Matt Pfeiffer REGIONAL PREMIERE! Amidst the bustle of a crowded London train...

Cost: Varies

Where:
Delaware Theatre Company
200 Water Street
Wilmington, DE  19801
View map »

More information

This community event invites attendees to sample healthy dishes prepared by local restaurants and vote for the most creative, tastiest, and best preparation. The first 200 registrants may also sign...

Where:
STAR Health Sciences Complex
540 S. College Ave
Newark, DE  19713
View map »


Website »

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Explore connections between people and plants in these four inspiring presentations. Special thanks to Whole Foods Market for sponsoring this  year’s refreshments. Individual lecture pricing:...

Cost: $20 members; $30 non-members

Where:
Delaware Center for Horticulture
1810 N. Dupont Street
Wilmington, DE  19806
View map »


Sponsor: Delaware Center for Horticulture
Telephone: (302) 658-6262
Contact Name: Mackenzie Knight-Fochs
Website »

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Tickets are $15 adults; $10 UD faculty/staff/alumni & seniors; $5 students. Tickets are available at the door. Cash or check only.

Cost: $15 adults; $10 UD faculty/staff/alumni & seniors; $5 students

Where:
Gore Recital Hall
110 Orchard Rd
Newark, DE  19716
View map »


Sponsor: University of Delaware Department of Music
Telephone: 130-283-12578
Contact Name: Megan Everhart
Website »

More information

Show More...
Show Less...

"What the water said…Flowers, Places, & Faces," an exhibition of watercolor paintings by Hugh Phibbs, will be on view in the Mezzanine Gallery from February 2-23, 2018. A free...

Cost: Free

Where:
Mezzanine Gallery
Carvel State Office Building, 2nd Floor
820 N. French St.
Wilmington, DE  19801
View map »


Sponsor: Delaware Division of the Arts
Telephone: 302-577-8278
Contact Name: Roxanne Stanulis
Website »

More information

A winter warm up of colorful, vibrant paintings. Marlene Dubin - bold mixed media abstracts; Elaine Lisle - regional landscapes in oil; Mary Ann Weselyk – whimsical animals and still life...

Cost: free

Where:
The Station Gallery
3922 Kennett Pike
Greenville, DE  19807
View map »


Telephone: 302-654-8638
Website »

More information

The area’s largest sale of gently used books has been scheduled by the Wilmington branch of the American Association of University Women. The 49th annual Dollars for Scholars Used Book Sale, to...

Cost: free

Where:
Concord Mall
4737 Concord Pike
North Wilmington, DE  19803
View map »


Sponsor: American Association of University Women
Telephone: 302-428-0939

More information

This community-curated exhibition brings together three painters—Alan Soffer, Brian Dickerson, and Moe Brooker—who are attuned to harmonies and contrasts in abstract forms. Each artist...

Cost: Free with Museum admission

Where:
Delaware Art Museum
2301 Kentmere Parkway
Wilmington, DE  19806
View map »


Website »

More information

Glory of Stories introduces young visitors to art and the Museum through a story reading followed by an interactive tour of relevant works of art and a studio art project. This program encourages...

Cost: Free to Members, $5 per child and one adult free for Non-Members

Where:
Delaware Art Museum
2301 Kentmere Parkway
Wilmington, DE  19806
View map »

More information

By Simon Stephens (playwright of "The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Night-Time") Directed by Matt Pfeiffer REGIONAL PREMIERE! Amidst the bustle of a crowded London train...

Cost: Varies

Where:
Delaware Theatre Company
200 Water Street
Wilmington, DE  19801
View map »

More information

Meeting every Friday, Bayhealth Kent General Hospital, 640 s. State Street, Dover, 7:30 pm., Private Dining Room #3 in the basement. For those who have, or think they may have a gambling problem....

Cost: 0.00

Where:
Bayhealth Kent General Hospital
640 S. State Street
Private Dining Room #3
Dover, DE  19901
View map »


Telephone: 800-855-2CALLGA
Website »

More information

Show More...
Show Less...

A winter warm up of colorful, vibrant paintings. Marlene Dubin - bold mixed media abstracts; Elaine Lisle - regional landscapes in oil; Mary Ann Weselyk – whimsical animals and still life...

Cost: free

Where:
The Station Gallery
3922 Kennett Pike
Greenville, DE  19807
View map »


Telephone: 302-654-8638
Website »

More information

The area’s largest sale of gently used books has been scheduled by the Wilmington branch of the American Association of University Women. The 49th annual Dollars for Scholars Used Book Sale, to...

Cost: free

Where:
Concord Mall
4737 Concord Pike
North Wilmington, DE  19803
View map »


Sponsor: American Association of University Women
Telephone: 302-428-0939

More information

This community-curated exhibition brings together three painters—Alan Soffer, Brian Dickerson, and Moe Brooker—who are attuned to harmonies and contrasts in abstract forms. Each artist...

Cost: Free with Museum admission

Where:
Delaware Art Museum
2301 Kentmere Parkway
Wilmington, DE  19806
View map »


Website »

More information

Ronald Barron was principal trombonist of the Boston Symphony Orchestra from 1975 until 2008. He joined the orchestra in 1970 after being a member of the Montreal Symphony Orchestra, and also...

Cost: Free

Where:
Gore Recital Hall
110 Orchard Rd
Newark, DE  19716
View map »


Sponsor: University of Delaware Department of Music
Telephone: 130-283-12578
Contact Name: Megan Everhart
Website »

More information

Celebrate the 12th Annual Chinese New Year at the Delaware Art Museum! This celebration includes traditional Chinese art activities, artist demonstrations, a lion and folk dance, a Chinese yo-yo...

Cost: Free; donations accepted

Where:
Delaware Art Museum
2301 Kentmere Parkway
Wilmington, DE  19806
View map »


Website »

More information

By Simon Stephens (playwright of "The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Night-Time") Directed by Matt Pfeiffer REGIONAL PREMIERE! Amidst the bustle of a crowded London train...

Cost: Varies

Where:
Delaware Theatre Company
200 Water Street
Wilmington, DE  19801
View map »

More information

For this Saturday’s activity, visitors will have fun with fluid dynamics and hydraulics - Pascal would be proud! Visitors of all ages are invited to discover solutions to science and engineering...

Cost: Free with admission; Adults: $14, Children 6-14: $5, Children 5 and under: Free

Where:
Hagley Museum and Library
200 Hagley Creek Road
Wilmington, DE  19807
View map »


Telephone: 302-658-2400
Website »

More information

Lights of Life Goes Disco Nights is Delaware’s premier breast cancer fundraiser to benefit the local programs and services of the Delaware Breast Cancer Coalition. Join us for a glamorous, fun...

Cost: *VIP $125.00; *Silver Mirror Ball $50.00

Where:
Dover Downs Hotel
, 1131 North Dupont Highway
Dover, DE  19901
View map »


Sponsor: Delaware Breast Cancer Coalition
Telephone: 302-778-1102
Contact Name: Eliza Mohler
Website »

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The Newark Symphony Chamber Orchestra presents a performance of Johann Baptist George Neruda, Trumpet Concerto in E flat, with Wendell Banyay, Trumpet.  Also to be featured will be Gabriel Faure,...

Cost: 0 - $20

Where:
Newark United Methodist Church
69 E. Main St.
Newark, DE  19711
View map »

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