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Ardipithecus Key to Hominid Healthcare?

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News of a hominid analysis that pushes man’s ancestors back further than previously believed has also stirred debate over the implications of two well-preserved fossil remains that cover more than one million years of pre-human development.
 
Dr. Tim Whatley of the Department of Paleontology and Tantric Massage at the University of California—La La Land says the remains show two creatures in excellent health. “The bones are strong and the teeth are good in both Ardipithecus and Australopithecus or ‘Lucy,’” said Whatley. “For two creatures separated by more than a million years of time, it begs the question: Were they the beneficiaries of an admittedly primitive, but effective system of hominid healthcare?”
 
For now, Whatley is the sole Paleontologist/Tantric Masseuse who is begging that question. He has prepared two papers on the subject and has sent both to the American Society of Paleontology (ASP). He says both papers were returned unopened.
 
“I’ve submitted stuff to them before, so it’s not like they don’t know me,” said Whatley with a shrug.
 
Whatley says his belief in a system of hominid healthcare is based strictly on the evidence presented in the two fossilized remains, as well as the famous “Laetoli Footprints.”
 
“Given the harshness and brutality of life in those times, it’s unlikely that Ardi and Lucy could project such robust health by random luck,” said Whatley. “In an earlier paper submitted to the ASP, I speculated that the famous Laetoli Footprints, which indicate a female carrying an infant, strongly suggests she was on her way somewhere. That somewhere could have been a pediatric clinic.”
 
Whatley admitted the ASP had returned that paper without comment. “At least they opened the envelope,” he said with a sheepish smile.
 
In his university office, Whatley displays a disturbing body of work on the subject of hominid healthcare. With a myriad of charts and diagrams, Whatley has concluded there are definitive behaviors that would have separated mankind’s ancestors from the apes, and led those ancestors on a distinctive path toward Homo sapiens.
 
“Healthcare would certainly be one of those behaviors,” Whatley said. “It’s really quite obvious to me. Hominids clearly lived better, more fulfilling lives than the apes. And we can see it today that an effective and cost-efficient system of universal healthcare produces superior outcomes in terms of mortality and longevity. It dovetails nicely with hominid life. And I believe when we do finally discover that elusive Missing Link, we will probably find him to be our earliest healthcare professional.”
 
Whatley believes that Ardi and Lucy also suggest the strong possibility of a universal system of healthcare.
 
They lived a million years apart and are both in excellent health,” Whatley noted. “You wouldn’t expect that unless there was some system of universal coverage that included all hominids. Given the simplicity of hominid life, it’s fair to conclude that it was some form of single-payer system as well.”
 
Whatley has speculated that the Missing Link may in fact have been a private, for-profit health insurer. “The hominids broke with him and went the way of publicly supported single-payer, and the Link remained with the apes. It would certainly help explain why we wound up the way we did and the apes wound up the way they did.”
 
Whatley admitted he has written a paper on his Missing Link healthcare system theory, but has not submitted it to the ASP as yet.
 
“I’m a little gun shy right now, I guess,” he said, his sheepish smile returning.
 
 
 
 
 

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