In a memo former Vice President Dick Cheney said “was definitely not one of the ones he wanted released to the public,” Cheney has been secretly advising members of the U.S. Supreme Court on how to claim jurisdiction to decide the disputed outcome of the recent Iranian presidential election.
“We know the guy we want,” the memo states. “We just need to get in there and declare him the winner.” According to a Cheney aide, who spoke only on condition of receiving help getting out of a planned hunting trip with the former vice president, the memo was sent “only to the justices that got our guy in back in 2000.”
That “our guy” was George W. Bush, for whom the Supreme Court ruled the winner in spite of the fact that he had lost the popular vote by a distinct margin.
“Look, fellas,” the memo continued in an uncharacteristic avuncular style, “you proved in 2000 that elections don’t matter, only outcomes. Democracies are enough of an irritating pain in the neck without having to abide by the will of the voters on top of everything else.”
The aide told The Bubble News that Cheney believes there is no better way for the United States to help spread the “American concept of freedom” throughout the world than to directly involve itself in the democratic processes of sovereign nations. “What do you think gunboat diplomacy is supposed to mean?” Cheney asked rhetorically, as he placed an apple on top of the aide’s head and said: “Now hold still for a sec.”
Following the ensuing rifle shot that completely missed the apple, but only narrowly missed the aide, Cheney apparently explained his next steps should the Supreme Court ignore his “advice.”
“I got a make-up trailer, hair stylist, my own production staff and an open mike on Fox News,” Cheney said. “Anything less from those justices than full compliance with my request and I go global with the thought that the Supreme Court is not keeping us safe from terror either.”
The “either” is an apparent reference to the Obama Administration, for whom Cheney has been a persistent critic almost since its inception. The aide told The Bubble News that when he asked Cheney if consistently undermining the foreign policy of a new, duly elected administration might be seen as “unpatriotic,” Cheney replied, “Electing Obama in the first place was unpatriotic. This is the kind of dangerous and destabilizing outcome you get when you naively insist on free elections. Just like lawyers who never ask questions they don’t already know the answer to, you don’t hold elections unless the outcome has already been foreordained. I still don’t understand how Obama’s election has been allowed to stand.”
When not “crusading for the side that lost,” the aide said the ex-vice president is working on his memoirs. Tentatively titled, “We Kept America Safe, Except for the One Time We Didn’t: Notes From an Undisclosed Location of My Brain,” the book is said to be unique as political history, in that it will not contain any footnotes, bibliographical or primary references or source material of any kind.