Coulter avoids loose cannon but
not fifth grader

A Civil War-era cannon, located on the grounds of a treatment facility, broke loose from its moorings and narrowly avoided smashing into conservative columnist Ann Coulter as she spoke at the facility over the weekend, according to a witness who had attended the event.

The witness, who described herself as a “fact developer” on Coulter’s research staff, said the conservative activist had just begun speaking when someone in the crowd pointed in her direction and shouted, “Loose cannon!” The audience gasped as they watched the cannon careening down a hill and directly toward Coulter.

“Initially, security mistakenly ran toward Coulter herself when they heard the cry from the crowd,” said the witness, “but then realized it was an actual cannon that had broken loose.” Security managed to divert the cannon, which smashed into an automobile containing a bumper sticker that read, “My daughter is an honor student at the real Cornell.”

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The staffer said Coulter is currently on a pre-publication tour for a new book tentatively titled “Rewriting History.” The controversial conservative has used recent speaking engagements to join the chorus of apologists defending the record of the Bush administration, especially in relation to terrorist attack.

Dismissing the attack on the World Trade Center on September 11 as a “rookie mistake,” Coulter told this gathering that not only has President Bush kept us safe from further terrorist attacks, but has also protected the world from “asteroid collisions.” The remark prompted a spirited exchange with a member of the audience.

“Obama has been president for a little over a month, and already an asteroid has come dangerously close to destroying the planet,” Coulter began telling the crowd, many of whom remain transfixed by the efforts of security to extract the cannon from the wrecked automobile.

Then a youngster in the crowd, who later described herself as, “Like a regular, ya’ know, fifth grader, or whatever,” rose to point out to Coulter that the asteroid she was referring to had actually missed the earth by some 48,000 miles, where one in 2004—during Bush’s presidency—had missed by only about 4,000 miles.

“That’s what Liberals would have you believe,” Coulter shot back, and added, “What about the one that actually did hit the Soviet Union? That certainly shows whose side God is on,” to which the fifth-grader replied calmly, “That was a century ago. The Communist Revolution had not occurred yet.”

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Coulter had been invited to speak at the treatment facility that specializes in patients suffering from Tourette’s syndrome, a disorder characterized by sudden and involuntary outbursts of irrational invective and rantings. Coulter said she waived her usual speaking fee, admitting she had a soft place in her heart for people with Tourette’s. “It’s something that really strikes a nerve deep inside me,” Coulter said.

By the end of the day the cannon had been temporarily secured with stones and a notice saying, “Warning: loose cannon,” which had been moved from the marquee announcing Ms. Coulter’s appearance at the facility that day.


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