By Nate Mecredi
The Bubble News Service
A source within the U.S. Treasury Department says officials are considering selling advertising space on all paper currency. The source tells Bubble News that the project is being hailed as way to give the stimulus plan an extra jolt.
“It’s a simple idea,” said the source, an employee with the Bureau of Engraving, who spoke only on condition of receiving medical assistance for a sudden but chronic case of carpal tunnel syndrome. “By selling ad space on our currency, we will be offsetting the costs of producing all that paper money we’ll soon be printing, plus consumers will have instant suggestions on where to spend it. As one colleague put it, ‘Why not make money by printing it?’”
The idea apparently took hold after one official watched trailer load after trailer load of fresh new American dollars being hauled away to the nation’s banks and financial institutions. The official, a former newspaper executive, reportedly mused, “It’s a shame all that paper is just going to waste on denominations, when it could be carrying the freight with ads from Macy’s and Quizno’s.”
The plan calls for the ads to be placed subliminally, with well-known tag lines, such as McDonald’s “I’m lovin’ it” placed innocuously, perhaps below the portrait of the presidents engraved on the various denominations.
“Wouldn’t it be cool to see printed under Benjamin Franklin on the hundred, ‘You’re in good hands with Allstate,” or say, “Drink Jack Daniels responsibly” under the portrait of Grant on the fifty?” mused the source.
According to the source, the move to advertise on federal currency is being driven by the enormous increase in costs incurred in suddenly sending upwards of a trillion dollars to the federal printing presses. There have already been unsubstantiated reports of supply shortages, especially in paper and ink.
“We actually ran out of ink during a run of hundreds,” said the source. Lucky for us, one of our engravers knew of a syndicate of New York counterfeiters that was able to sell us enough ink to complete the run.”
While Treasury officials continue to scramble to locate additional space to install printing presses and transportation to haul the lucre away, other ideas are floating throughout the department.
“There has been some talk of replacing the presidential portraits with some of the icons of the advertising world,” said the source. “It’s possible the Wendy’s freckles and pigtails may soon replace Washington on the one, Ronald McDonald’s clown face could appear on the 10, or Captain Morgan would be balancing his stance on the 50. Everything’s on the table, apparently.”
Any concerns about desecrating U.S. currency with the crassness and venality of advertising are being dismissed as snobbery.
“You think a country that replaces a name like Veterans Stadium with Citizens Bank Park and Lincoln Financial Field is going to object to seeing “Viva Viagra!” on their paper money?” the source asked rhetorically.