Healthcare Bill Already Paying Dividends

The White House is touting the House-passed healthcare reform bill as one already providing health services.

“The bill runs almost 2,000 pages and weighs in excess of 70 pounds,” says one administration staffer. “Just lifting it is providing a pretty good workout and represents support of President Obama’s desire that any bill sent to him for signature include wellness provisions.”
The staffer went on to say, that for the present, the current legislation, though written and supported almost exclusively by Democrats, appears to be helping Republicans the most.
“House Republicans have been lifting that bill time and time again before the cameras, the staffer noted. “They’re probably in better shape than most Democrats. We hope they don’t challenge us in an arm-wrestling contest anytime soon.”
No, but an arm-twisting contest certainly appears on the near horizon, as the bill has been sent over to the Senate, which seems less persuaded by the bill’s strength and conditioning features. One senator has declared the bill “dead on arrival.”
“That’s fine with us for now,” said the White House spokesman. “If we have to, we’ll seek to delay debate and a vote in the senate until after the holidays. By then everyone in both houses will be trying to exercise off all those holiday pounds.”
The White House is said to be considering adding amendments and possibly some pork in order to increase the overall heft of the bill and make it more attractive as a workout regimen.
“We believe Congress now realizes it passed up a great opportunity to get in shape when it refused to even consider the so-called “Hillary-Care” bill back in 1994.
“We understand that pound for pound that bill was as formidable as our current one is, and Congress could have gotten itself into great shape lifting that one up for the cameras.”
The spokesman said the president is now looking into drafting other legislation that will also produce weighty tomes of their own to further the fitness – and bipartisan—objectives of the president’s healthcare initiative.
“The bigger the bill, the greater the strength and health of Congress,” the staffer said of the president’s goals. “While the president himself has not yet had the chance to lift the healthcare bill as part of his own fitness program, President Obama has been working out with transcripts of his responses to questions posed at some of his recent press conferences.”
The staffer noted that some of the president’s answers produced transcripts that make for a pretty effective light workout in preparation for all the Congressional legislation on his agenda.
“By the end of his first year in office, with bills on healthcare, energy, global warming, a new stimulus package, and tighter banking and finance regulations, the president believes he will have produced one of the strongest and best conditioned governments in American history,” the staffer added.
In a related story, Vice President Joe Biden said he’s been lifting transcripts of his past Judiciary Committee questions to Supreme Court nominees for years, claiming that as the reason for his being in excellent shape. Also, Secretary of State Hillary Clinton announced that she has begun lifting a written collection of all her denials of wishing to run for the presidency as a way of building up her own arm strength.


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