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Mrs. Biden’s Diary (July 29, 2009)


 Dear Diary,

 I can always tell when Joe’s spent the day giving away stimulus money, because he comes through the door humming the song “I’ve Got a Golden Ticket” from the Willie Wonka movie. Today, he came in singing the lyrics, so I figured he had a really good day at the trough.
On top of that though, Joe was buzzing with energy over this great idea he had after Barack’s remark about the Cambridge police at last week’s press conference. Joe said he was flattered to see how much he was apparently “rubbing off” on the president when it comes to verbal gaffes. But he was also concerned how much Barack’s “stupidity” blunder overshadowed Joe’s own in referring to the Russian economy as “withering.”
“We need to coordinate our gaffes to keep from stepping on each other’s big clown feet,” Joe told me. Joe said he had already suggested to Barack that he appoint what Joe is calling a “Gaffe Czar.”
I averted my eyes and rubbed my forehead a second before I asked, “What did Barack say about that?” Joe said Barack didn’t say anything, but just stared back at him, “you know, that usual way he does after we’ve talked.” That made me feel better, because I know that look, and it means Barack has begun humming a song from his own favorite musical comedy while Joe spoke.
Joe explained that the gaffe czar would function just like all the other czars we’ve had, like the drug czar, the energy czar and the car czar. That was a relief to me, too, given how effective all those other czars turned out to be, this gaffe czar won’t be around long either.
Joe said the main job of the gaffe czar will be to try to anticipate those situations where a gaffe is likely to occur. (I thought, “The way you too are firing away right now, that czar better be a whiz at Whac-A-Mole.”) Then the czar could insert alternatives in a teleprompter that would prevent the gaffe from occurring.
That actually struck me as a pretty good idea. I’ve believed for years Joe would benefit from a technology that could make a little miniature teleprompter that would be as portable as a cell phone. I even thought of a name: “iBlurt.” Clever, huh?
Of course, in a perfect world, politicians would think before they spoke and that would eliminate all the gaffes. But then what would become of cable news if that ever happened?
Well, I hear Joe singing the words, “If You Want It, Here It Is, Come And Get It” from “The Magic Christian.” That means he’s off to another bailout meeting at the WH. I have to catch him quick. He said something about crashing Barack’s beer blast on Thursday with a couple of Red Bull 40s. This one I can stop in its tracks. Bye-bye, for now.


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