New Bush Memoir to Address Critics—His Own

A new book by former President George W. Bush is reportedly in the works and is designed to answer the increasing number of tell-all memoirs from staffers critical of the president’s management style and his administration.
The book, “Misremembering History: Why I Believe I’m as Smart as a Box of Hammers,” is scheduled for release the moment the president has completed spellchecking the manuscript.
Segments of the book, however, have been leaked to the press by former aides of the Bush and Cheney administration. The aides are also believed to have leaked sensitive security briefings and memos while part of that administration.
In one chapter, Bush seeks to clarify remarks quoted in a previous staffer memoir that Bush thought Barack Obama failed to understand how dangerous the world really is. “I know for a fact that the world is a more dangerous place because me and Cheney helped to make it that way.”
Addressing a comment he reputedly made concerning Vice President Biden being a billionaire, Bush supposedly writes, “I wasn’t being sarcastic. When Paulson laid out the $700 billion bailout plan, I really thought we had converted the U.S. currency into bulls***.”
Bush also states in his book that his reference to Sarah Palin being the governor of Guam was not meant to diminish her qualifications for the vice presidency. “I was just showing off to my guys that I had actually heard of a place called Guam. Although I do feel lucky nobody asked where I thought that state was located on a map.”
The overall tone of the book reportedly shows a former president comfortable in his own skin and proud of his achievements. “In eight or nine years in office—I always forget which, since none of them ever started on the first of the year—I never once went to the podium with my fly open or toilet paper stuck to the heel of my shoe. I bet that Clinton cat can’t make that claim!”
Bush also explains why his vice president was frequently reported to be in an “undisclosed location” throughout most of the administration. “Cheney just loved playing the game of hide-and-seek. I thought it helped relax him, especially when that vein in his forehead really started popping. We also learned we had to keep him away from the White House especially during Easter. He really would scare the children during the Easter egg hunt.”
Bush’s memoir also is said to include a surprising admission that he was glad he never had to go to war in Iran on top of the continued war in Iraq. “Can you imagine trying to keep those two countries straight day in and day out, they’re spelled so alike? I would have looked like an idiot.”
The former president apparently is saying privately that he hopes they print up a lot of his books, so he can have enough to fill up the shelves in his presidential library. “I would hate to have a library stocked only with the books I’ve actually looked at piled up on my bedside. There wouldn’t be enough for anybody to take out, you know what I mean?”

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