The Obama Administration plans to unveil an aggressive government-backed jobs program designed to put millions of the unemployed and under-employed back to work, according to a source within the White House. The source, recently hired by the administration to plug press leaks, spoke only on condition of anonymity, since he is not authorized to speak to the media.
“I can tell you, though, these jobs will definitely put people back to work,” said the source, said to be angling for one of the positions himself, “just in case.” He provided the Bubble News with a host of new job descriptions that include:
PINK SLIP PRESS OPERATOR I: Candidates must be willing to work in a fast-paced environment with constantly shifting priorities. Work will include overtime, especially during holiday seasons, such as Christmas, which is considered the busy season for this position.
OVERDUE BILL STACKER II: This is a home-based position with door-to-door work required. Candidates assist clients in efficient maintenance of mounting piles of unpaid bills and overdue notices due to client’s previous loss of gainful employment. Ability to smooth-talk heartless creditors required. Ability to convince hospital bill collectors that unpaid balances represent “Republican Healthcare Option” is a plus.
STATE UNEMPLOYMENT OFFICE GREETER I: Ability to convince customers that persistent unemployment in the ‘new economy’ that can lead to a rewarding career in permanently applying for benefit extensions is a plus.
UNEMPLOYMENT BENEFIT EXTENSION APPLICANT II: (PROPOSED)
JOB FAIR ATTENDANT I: Successful candidates will be employed to attend any and all job fairs currently being conducted by private business. Employees will be paid salary and bonus for completing job applications for positions that don’t currently exist. Job fairs for the automotive, leisure and banking industry are considered prime targets for this position.
REARRANGING DECK CHAIRS ON SINKING SHIPS III: This is a high-level position for former executives with hands-on experience in maintaining failing businesses known to be beyond all hope of recovery. Previous newspaper and periodical experience a plus.
FOX NEWS CHANNEL ANCHOR: Though open to all candidates, this position is specifically targeted to ex-models displaced from the fashion industry. Leggy and blonde a plus. Ability to read at remedial level also a plus. Must be able to interpret terms such as “Fair” and “Balanced” at ridiculously broad parameters. Ability to mix and match archival camera footage to suit reporting angle a plus. Candidates with previous news reporting experience need not apply. (The Obama source says anyone with actual reporting experience will be automatically referred to “deck chair rearranging” position above.)
HEALTH INSURANCE CUSTOMER: Open to all. Ability to pay ever-rising premium increases without filing claims a plus, though clients subsidized by taxpayers welcome. Successful candidates required to accept denial of coverage, coverage caps, lifetime limits and pre-existing condition waivers as examples of the “best healthcare system in the world.” Successful candidates will be judged on their ability to either not get sick or, if so, then to die quickly. (See: Republican Healthcare Option above.)
The source states that candidates may apply for more than one of these positions and may accept multiple offers. “The Obama Administration acknowledges that employees in the ‘new economy’ will be required to hold more than one job just to make ends meet,” according to the source.
(ED. Note: For more information on these and a complete listing of all government-backed, deficit-funded jobs, visit www.donttellthechinese.gov.)