Report: After bull sessions, all-nighter,
is a keg party next?

An analysis of the bailout plan presented by U.S. Treasury Secretary Timothy Geithner last week concludes the plan reads like a badly written college term paper. And one that had been heavily plagiarized, as well.

Critics are pointing to a lack of detail and how much of what Geithner presented sounded much the same as the plan issued by the previous administration.

“It’s like they had a required number of pages to do and they just filled those pages with stuff,” said one critic, who teaches freshman English composition.

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But an official within Treasury said comparing Geithner’s presentation to a college report should not necessarily be considered a negative.

“The group that hashed out the bailout plan loved all the bull sessions that preceded it,” said the source, who spoke only on condition of getting someone to help him write a report on China. “[Gene] Sperling said it reminded him of all those ‘wonky rap sessions’ he had back at Yale.” (Sperling was one of a small group of advisers who worked with Geithner and apart from Geithner’s senior staff. The source said rumors that the group sometimes met in what they termed “forts” made of packing crates and sheets could not be verified.)

“The real excitement came when Geithner realized the paper was due and they hadn’t started writing it yet,” the source stated. “That’s when they pulled those all-nighters that lasted until four in the morning, and the group broadened to other officials and staff who relived their own grad and law school cram sessions.”

It wasn’t enough, but the source said Geithner was able to plead for an “Incomplete,” which delayed the presentation until the following day. Even then, the source added that the group knew they didn’t have time for all the details, and that the plan would look like one of those “science projects that had been cobbled together the night before it was due,” the source said. “You could tell on Geithner’s face that he was more or less trying to fake his way through it.”

According to the source, Geithner returned to his office after the presentation, telling an aide, “I think I just flagged the final.”

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The source said the original group and senior Treasury advisers were ready to get right back to work and at least “save a C.” But Geithner said they needed a break to recharge their batteries, and that’s when source said the idea of a keg party was kicked around.

“The idea of a kegger was not Geithner’s,” the source claimed, “but came from that former Japanese Finance Minister, who evidently employed such parties to help deal with Japan’s banking crises back in the 1990s.”

The source said that reports that Geithner has been surfing online term paper writing sites cannot be confirmed.

“The Secretary knows he’s got to ace the next presentation, and get it done before the April 15 tax deadline bites him again,” the source said.


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