“Where did I come from?” It is a question dreaded by many parents of young children. Is this the right time to sit the child down and have the Talk? And if not now, when?
“In my own practice, I have experienced an uptick in kids’ curiosity about sex in the questions they ask and the comments they make,” says Matthew Yoder, LCSW, a social worker and therapist in Newark. “I really think that kids as young as 5 are able to understand some of the things we talk to them about.”
It’s common and healthy for children to be curious about their bodies, gender differences, and where babies come from—and it’s better for them to get the facts from their parents than from the media, which may foster negative body image, gender stereotypes, and misinformation about sex, especially for adolescents.
However, a one-time birds-and-bees talk about sexuality and reproduction can be more uncomfortable and even embarrassing than informative for both parents and children, Yoder notes. “If parents don’t make a big deal out of talking about these subjects, their kids probably won’t either.”
Parents should encourage ongoing conversations that can begin by making young children comfortable referring to body parts by their proper anatomical names instead of euphemisms or nicknames, says Maia Noeder, Ph.D., a pediatric psychologist with HealthSpan Psychology LLC in Bear.
“These conversations should naturally progress to reproduction, consent, safe sex, and contraception as the child moves into and through puberty,” Noeder adds. “It’s common and healthy for children to be curious about their bodies, gender differences, and where babies come from—and it’s better for them to get the facts from their parents than from the media, which may foster negative body image, gender stereotypes, and misinformation about sex, especially for adolescents.”
Noeder advises parents to be ready for open and honest discussions at any time during their child’s development. Seeing a pregnant family member or friend, for example, can trigger questions at any age.
“That’s the perfect time to explain how the sperm and the egg combine and grow into a baby,” she says. “For an older child, it is also an opening to discuss the act of sex.”
Parents should listen carefully to the questions their children are asking, says Melissa Lemons, LPCMH, a counselor at Fruitful Conversations in Wilmington and assistant professor of clinical mental health counseling at Wilmington University.
“It’s easy for parents to panic because they think their children are asking big questions about the mechanics, and they won’t have the right answers when, in reality, the information the child is seeking is basic and easy to explain,” Lemons says. “The most important thing parents can communicate is that there is no shame in asking these questions.”
If a parent does not know the answer to a specific question, they should not be embarrassed.
“Just tell the child that you will help them find the answer,” she says.
Lemons points to helpful books, beginning with picture books for young children and taking them through ages 10, 11, and 12, focusing not just on sex and intercourse but also helping them understand the changes their bodies are going through.
“Librarians can be great sources for parents because they can recommend books that are appropriate for specific age groups,” she says.
Some parents might fear that if they are open about sex that they are “putting the thought into their children’s heads and encouraging them to have sex,” Yoder notes. “Nothing could be further than the truth. Kids are already having these thoughts and are exposed to information—and most likely misinformation—about sex not just from popular media but from their friends as well.”
He says that many youngsters, afraid or ashamed to ask questions, might already be engaging in unprotected sex or are at least thinking about becoming active.
Making it a taboo topic or just telling children not to engage in sexual activity can make them want to do it more. Talking about the subject with parents “normalizes it,” Yoder says, making it significantly less likely that the child will learn about the facts of life from television, movies, or the kids down the street.
He offers an anecdote about a boy he met who was running round and round on a track. “When I asked him why he was doing that, he said he had heard that running before having sex was a way to prevent pregnancy,” Yoder recalls.
Three decades of research strongly supports the role that schools, especially during the later years of elementary school, can play in helping children to form healthy relationships and make sound sexual choices later, Noeder adds. Learning about the human body and personal hygiene should be a part of basic health education in schools, particularly in middle school. “The more kids know about and understand their bodies, the better prepared they will be to accept and protect their own bodies, to say no to certain types of unwanted touch, and let an adult know if they are being sexually harassed.”
Our experts agree that parents should continue the conversation at home rather than relying solely on schools to handle sex education.
“Schools need to lay the foundation early, but it’s up to parents to reinforce what they learn and always be open and available to answer questions,” Yoder says. “Beyond sex education, it’s important for children to know how to protect themselves from predators.”
Related: How to Have Conversations About Challenging Topics With Your Kids
