Zingers and Other Funny Stuff

From the song “Amish Girl”

“The villagers threw rocks at me from halfway down the road
I didn’t know that’s what you meant when you said we might get stoned
Dressed in black from head to toe, you’re the one for me.
But you can’t feel the spark ’cause you’ve got no electricity.”
From the song “Conjoined Twin”
“We could get through anything when we put our heads together
Sometimes I can’t determine where I end and you begin
You’ll always be a part of me, you’re my conjoined twin”


“Why are (quote marks) the only form of punctuation anyone acts out? You never see anyone act out parentheses. And you never see anybody act out a semicolon. That’s maybe because nobody knows how to use a semicolon.”

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“Tip for surviving in corporate America: Learn not to cringe when someone says, ‘I can’t believe it’s only Wednesday.’”


“I was at a party recently and there was this girl who kept going, ‘Oh my god, oh my god, oh my god, Ian tell us a joke. Hey, everyone, Ian’s gonna say something funny, Ian tell us a joke!’ OK, Amanda I will tell you a joke. You know how awkward that is in social situations? Do I walk up and say, ‘Oh my god, oh my god, Amanda, do something fat. You guys, you guys, Amanda’s gonna eat this donut, she’s not even gonna exercise.’”


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“I’m a working mom and a lot of my other working mom friends say they are better mothers because they work and I get that. I do. But I feel I am a better mother because I drink.”


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